Friends as We
by Twilight 3-1
Summary: In response to Hawkeye’s Martini pre-slash challenge. Margaret finds herself regretting, remembering and confessing to a love she cannot have.


Margaret had just had one of the worst days in her life. She'd outcast one of her only female friends and was without her only male friend – Hawkeye was over at the 8063rd getting ripped apart by their Colonel for having a slightly anti-military attitude to...the military. So as usual...she was alone, thinking, thinking about what she'd done the past day.

'Margaret, Margaret, Margaret...girl...you're an IDIOT! She – after 3 years – she turns up at your unit – YOUR UNIT! And you welcome her with open arms. For the first 12 hours it's like you were 15 again...running around the bases causing havoc...pissing off your fathers...worrying your mothers...delighting the men yet never accepting what they offered: we gotta have some form of self respect...after all...we're both from highly respected military families: HA! That's a gigglefit waiting to happen. And then the fun stops; with dinner or bedtime or school tomorrow or 'Margaret I've been assigned to' yadda, yadda, yadda and we're separated. Usually not for long but separated all the same.'

Sarcasm a plenty she continued to do the only thing she felt like doing: pampering and fixing herself with make-up and a quick-job fix of her nails. One of only a few things she found relaxing...and time-consuming. Whilst thinking wasn't relaxing – rather it caused more tension and self-pitying – it was time consuming and there was no way she was going to sleep now...not after everything that had happened.

'Yet now...we're not 15. We're nurses in the army with a job to do. The parties over and yet although we're together again...we've never been more apart. OR...damn that place. Damn Charles: that creep _hitting on her_ on MY Lorraine! In the middle of SURGERY! And then having lunch...together...BY THEMSELVES! Have some respect people!'

Margaret stopped and looked at herself in the mirror.

'God I sound pathetic: _my Lorraine _I sound like a possessive lover...lover.'

Quickly she brushed it off as she was in her 'I hate Charles Winchester' mode.

'Get a grip woman...you are after all Hotlips Houlihan – slut of the Asian theatre. And she's Lorraine Anderson – the perfect little daddy's angel. The one who has never even got herself off! Talk about a frigid little virgin.'

Back to her original thoughts was a safe area: nothing too confrontational outside of the normal inner demons she dealt with regularly. Back to being Major Houlihan: army officer...not Margaret Houlihan: the girl who found herself heating up whenever Lorraine Anderson walked into a room.

'And then she has the gall to try and undermine my authority...me A MAJOR and her...a lowly captain...though not all captains are as lowly as they seem at first. I'm in charge...not here for fun...not here for a good time. I'm here to work my ass off saving lives and destroying trees in the process. So off to the nurses tent...'

Yet her mind kept wandering back to that thought. A thought she had kept secret for many years. Until a few weeks ago with a serious conversation with Hawkeye about their past loves and relationships and those they wanted to be with.

"So Carlye was your 'big one'?"  
"I thought she was 'The one' but she wasn't. So what about you...who was your big love?"  
"Before you protest no it wasn't Frank...it wasn't Donald and most certainly wasn't any of the generals either."  
"So who was he? A private? A Lieutenant? ...Or was he even in the army? Or did it even happen at all?"  
"No...it didn't happen..."  
"You still see him? Margaret"  
"Look...there's something that...this is just between us right?"  
"Of course."  
"That includes BJ..."  
"Sure, my mouth is sealed and he shall never know a word of it. So...do you still see him?"  
"No...I haven't seen her in a few years."  
"Oh..."  
"Yeah...oh. Now you know."  
"You wanna talk about it?"  
"The generals were just a distraction...Frank was a way of ignoring it...and Donald was just a way of denying it. None of which obviously worked."  
"You never told her how you felt?"  
"Never...we grew up together...never apart for more than 3 weeks at a time. She was considered family...there was no way I could tell her...I hinted sure. But she was like my _sister_! I hate thinking about it...I feel so..."  
"Dirty?"  
"Yes...it's horrible. It got to a point where every time she walked into a room...let's just say I wouldn't need help getting any kicks. Ya know?"  
"The feeling's familiar, yeah."  
"And what's worse...I've never felt the same way about anyone else...man or woman. Hawkeye...I don't want to end up alone. Yet there's no one else I want to be with but her."  
"On top of that you want the white picket fence, 2 cars and 3 kids right?"  
"Yes."  
"Margaret...I don't know what you're feeling...I've never been in the same situation, I'll admit that now. All the advice I can give you; is follow your heart. The Swamp's always open if you wanna talk."  
"Thank you Hawkeye."  
"Seriously...if you get what you're after and still want the 3 kids...I'd be more than happy to help."  
"You're an idiot you know that!"  
"I know, but you love me anyway! Even if you don't get what you're after...and there's no one else, come knock on my door...I'm available and probably will be in the long term. "  
"Thanks..."  
"Hey I'm being serious here!"  
"That's a first!"

'She'll be happier in the nurses tent. At least one of us will...no warm, loving arms this time round.'

'For Christ's sake Houlihan...get your mind OUT OF THE GUTTER and back on solid, clean ground. You're straight...NOT GAY...Lorraine is...a friend. At least somehow she is. I hope.'

The flashback of her conversation with Hawkeye brought back more than she wanted to...or really more than she needed. Only his offer of...companionship should she find herself alone brought a slight smile to her face. He was a really good friend. It took those 2 steps forward and one step back for them to get to that level. That was something she was proud of and something that she wanted to keep. Sex ruins friendship...yet here she was fantasising about her best friend.

'Where the hell did I put that nail polish? I just had it here! God I must be losing my mind!'

Anything to keep off the topic of Captain Lorraine Mary-Jane Anderson.

'Hmm...well hi there Lorraine...how am I? Oh I'm fan-fucking-tastic...you? Oh well that's nice.'

Margaret was playing through in her head what to say when Lorraine finally did show her face. Admitting that she wanted her on her back was not something she wanted to breach with Lorraine at this very moment. Unfortunately that moment of confrontation was now as she saw the door open.

'Oh shit! Well...didn't expect her back anytime soon. Oh...so you noticed the bags!'

Margaret's sarcasm levels were rising to those that would rival Pierce's anyday. 'Boy am I spending WAYYYY too much time around him!' her thoughts were brought back to Lorraine looking oddly at her though the mirror.

"I thought you'd be happier in the nurses tent." 'GOD she's looks hot even in fatigues.'  
"Oh yeah? How kind of you...perhaps I would be" 'Sarcasm? Where'd she get that from? And her perfume!'  
"I wanna know one thing before I go." 'Yes?' "What happened to your ears?"  
"What?" 'Well...wasn't expecting THAT.' Then again she wasn't expecting Lorraine to admit her love either.  
"You used to have pierced ears"  
"Yeah"  
"Now they're closed over"  
"Yeah" 'No shit Sherlock...with OUR hygienic setting for it?'  
"You're all closed over"  
'Oh perfect! A lecture from miss know-it-all-yet-never-experienced-any-of-it.'

Bitterness was a key concept in denial. Something Margaret held and was proud of.

"There's not an open spot anywhere on you."  
"What the hell are you on about? Forget that, just what the hell are you ON?"

Okay so maybe not the most intelligent or in-character thing to say.

"What happened to you?"  
"Do you mean why don't I act childish and undignified and silly?" 'Oh but she looks good when she's angry!'  
"Why don't you have fun. And where did this attitude problem towards me and 98% of the world come from? And what do you mean undignified?"  
"FIRSTLY: I'm not here to have fun. My attitude's like this so people will LISTEN TO ME and undignified? SINCE WHEN?! I'm head nurse...I've got responsibilities...Dammit a lot of people depend on me! Do you know how hard that is to live up to? No...of course you don't"

Always the one who hated to lose. Yet Margaret had lost more in her life than she could count. Losing Lorraine was something she didn't want to do...but was well on her way to doing so.

"Margaret do you HEAR YOURSELF?!"  
"EXCUSE ME?!"

And then the screaming and yelling stage began.

"...You sound like...one of those...rigid sour old nurses we used to make fun of!" 'My God...she's right.'

Margaret went pale as her face dropped with the realisation of what she had become. She WAS that horrid nurse that seemed to be at every army base they went to. The one who used to yell at them, and tell then off for the most ridiculous thing. Every army base/unit/command had its 'rigid sour nurse' and she was it. There was no way...even IF Lorraine was that way inclined...that she would want her now.

"Alright...I've said enough...I'll go." 'NO! Not now!'  
"Wait a minute!"

Margaret's inner demons were escaping beyond her control, and she would soon find herself at breaking point. Whether she just told Lorraine or jumped her, she didn't know. All she did know was that they were both serious possibilities of happening. Which one would scare her the least...she didn't know. But in the least...she wanted to talk to her.

"I'd like to tell you something..."

The words were escaping faster than her brain was processing them, if she didn't slow down what she was saying...there would be some serious shit-hitting-the-fan happening. And most likely a lot of revulsion on the part of dear Lorraine who'd been sight-fucking Charles ever since she got there.

"What is it Margaret?"

Margaret paused to gather her thoughts and begun.

"When you first got here...I was really glad to see you. REALLY glad...it was like looking at a picture of us in a family album...look, this is really hard for me to say."

"Go on...just say it Margaret."  
"I love you..."

'Well that was subtle!' Margaret was screaming at herself. She didn't want to do this...not this way...not whilst they were fighting. 'Crap, crap, crap!' she was ready to hit herself in the head with a brick.

"I know you do...I love you too...you're my best friend...what's more you're a sister to me. After having 4 brothers..."  
"No...Lorraine..."

Margaret took a deep breath. This was worse than being caught making out with one of her father's men...by her father.

"What's wrong...what is it Margaret? Is it me? Is it you?"  
"It's both...I also...I also in a way hated you."  
"For god sakes why?"  
"Because you're still as free and open as we both were then and I'm not. I'm not 5, I'm not 15, I'm not 25 and I'm not 28." 'Okay...off topic...this is good.'

But inside Margaret was screaming...not only about her feelings for Lorraine...but her inner demons about what she had become. Lorraine was hitting a few nerves and Margaret was getting way outside her comfort zone...not that it took much to get there.

"No...you're not. What happened? What's wrong?"

Margaret shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know. One night I was at a party drinking and dancing and the next morning I was in a war, in charge of 10 nurses and the party was over. I was afraid that if I didn't get tough...they'd get soft."

That was true...most of it. In truth she was scared as all hell when she first arrived in Korea. In a place where death was a certainty and you could catch anything from diphtheria to the flu to haemorrhagic fever or even die yourself. It was also the first time she was in charge of an entire unit of people. In ways that scared her more. She was a proud person; proud of her rank, proud of the way she handled things, and proud of the way she interacted with people. But she could not have her cake and eat it too. She had to give up one of those things; and it was friendship.

"You mean you were just plain afraid." 'You always were the one to hit things spot on.'  
"Maybe I was...I guess so...yes."  
"Margaret you can't let this happen to you. You can't let Major Houlihan take over your whole life. Now that kaki's got to come off at night.  
"I don't know any other way anymore. It's been too long. We spent so much time as kids, that when the reality of life hit...I had to grow up fast. Being at a party one night...and in a war the next...it's hard. And I had to stick to one attitude do I'd survive."

Margaret had tears in her eyes, but she blinked them away. She had to learn very early on to not let her emotions show through...although her main way of dealing with things was with anger – an emotion.

"Why don't you just try letting your hair down with your friends now and then?"  
"I don't have any friends here..."

'Well it's not a lie...Hawkeye's not here...and that counts...does it?'

"The only friend I do have is replacing Dupree at your place."  
"See...you do have at least one friend here."  
"But not when I need him the most."

Yet with every inner demon that was being released from within...the issue came back to grappling with her feelings for Lorraine.

"Is he...just a friend?"  
"No...he's a really good friend...my best friend probably. He knows more about me than...anyone else I've ever known."

That was the truth. Hawkeye knew more about her than she probably did. Inside and out.

"And nothing else?"  
"Once...no wait...it was twice."

Margaret grinned at the memory. True they only spent one night together...but...it...did happen twice. There was no denying it that Hawkeye Pierce was a great lover...if only there weren't strings attached to sex.

Lorraine smiled back. If there was one thing that could be said about Margaret: she always knew how to have fun.

"How long ago was that?"  
"A month and a half ago...just as I filed for divorce...funny that."

It wasn't just the events of that night...Margaret had made up her mind a few weeks before when she heard of his many midnight rendezvous with anyone Donald could get a hold of. Hawkeye tried to talk her out of it, but when she told him exactly what he'd done, he didn't hold back his true feelings about Donald.

"So what happened afterwards?"  
"Oh after much yelling and screaming...we talked. We agreed friends, was a good place to be. Hawkeye offered to lend his ear anytime of day...and I've taken that offer up...more than I care to admit to myself."

It was true. Many nights when she was upset – usually in tears – she'd find him in either the swamp or post op and they'd talk or he'd hold her til she fell asleep. Something she cherished deeply and would forever be in debt to him for.

"Do you want more than just friendship?"

Margaret chuckled. "As much as I love him, if we tried to play house we'd probably kill each other. Sort of a love-hate relationship. Although he did offer...services...if the need's there."

The two cracked up in laughter. Although Lorraine had never met Hawkeye, she heard a few things, but from what she'd heard tonight, she knew he was good for Margaret. And, naturally, she'd hear the full report about him when she got back.

After the laughter died down, Lorraine kept with her interrogation.

"Would you take him up on it?"  
"If there were no strings attached – sure."  
"But there always is..."  
"Yeah."

Margaret sighed...she could tell the conversation was going to get back to what was really wrong...away from the comfort zone...again.

"I'm really glad I've got Hawkeye...but now I have a taste of true friendship...I want more. I don't want to just have the one friend here...because he's not always going to be around. The worst of it is...there's no one I can tell that to. Not even him." 'Oh was the light-tone of this conversation ever changing.' Margaret thought to herself. She was back to admitting more than she wanted to. Something not good.

"Sure there is...you have a whole camp of people out there if you'll just let them in. If Hawkeye is as good of a friend as you say he is...you can tell him anything."  
"It isn't that easy."

With Hawkeye – she didn't want him to be asking people behind her back to be nicer to her. She wanted to gain friendship...not have it falsely placed at her feet to make her feel better. With everyone is...it was pride, respect, and fear of how people would see her.

"Margaret...you make it difficult. You try so hard to be perfect...you make it difficult for...anyone to please you."

Margaret kept her eyes straight ahead. She couldn't look at Lorraine. 'Geez did she ever know how to hit a nerve...so good in fact, she'd make a great doctor.' Margaret laughed internally but remained silent on the outside. Tears still welling in her eyes. If she didn't act on feelings soon...she'd die from lack of want and desire.

"I know there's something you're not telling me. If you don't want to tell me...then okay. But tell your friends here...tell Hawkeye. But if it's about me...I'd like to know."  
"There is something...as I said before...it's you...and at the same time it's me...but I can't tell you...not yet."

Margaret had finally admitted there was something wrong with them. The next step was to admit exactly _what_ the thing was.

"Tell me when you're ready...I'm only a phone call away. But tell someone _here._ It's only as difficult as you want it to be. Why don't you ease up a little? Let people know you're human. Lettem know what I've always known. What a...a warm...caring person you really are."

Lorraine cupped a hand to her cheek. Margaret's tears were falling lightly down her face. She knew if anything was to happen...it would have to be before Lorraine left. She was so close to what she wanted...yet so far. Lorraine moved in and the women embraced in a desperate hug. Margaret was clinging to her, crying softly. For all the secrets and inner feelings that had surfaced and come out tonight, none had been more powerful than the one that hadn't quite broken through the barrier.

The two stayed like that for a while, Margaret's tears still falling but her crying stayed minimal. She was clinging onto Lorraine like if she let go she would fall into a deep black hole. A few minutes after the initial contact, the tears had stopped, yet the two still held on.

Margaret felt Lorraine's hot breath near her neck. Her fingers were lightly rubbing her back. She wasn't sure if this was in comfort...or if it was something more.

What Margaret didn't know, was the reason why Lorraine had never been in a serious relationship. Something that Lorraine herself was too scared to admit. Although her problems were much less severe than what Margaret had to deal with.

Lorraine cupped her hand to Margaret's cheek for a second time that night. The two looked into each other's eyes and smiled.

Margaret was at ease with herself: mentally and emotionally. And although there was no longer the fear of rejection, everything that needed to be said hadn't been said. But with a little more time it would be.

Lorraine had her best friend back. They were no longer Maggie and Lori - the 15-year-old army brats with newly pierced ears; they were no longer who they used to be. Things were different. But different for the better.

'Whatever the future holds...oh GOD I hope it's somewhere as good as this!'

_**The end?**_


End file.
